semua sekali

probably i'm barely reckon the best creation of mine.. at some parts indeed you can't even realize your personal fortune by assuming all are in good and best promises.. sure, it must be in good.. at certain part you also couldn't assume anything.. sometimes you might question yourself "apa yang kau kejarkan dalam hidup kau sebenarnya?".... i would simply conclude, i am lost.. the thing that comes as a great nightmare when you are corruptly feeling witless.. i am a good imaginative person.. i often sketch a picture of butterflies on a piece of paper.. they seem flying in one group but i would draw only one butterfly that seems lost and flying alone.. i would circle it by naming him as 'witless'... this merely crap imagination and sketching... tapi risau sangatkah dengan apa jenis karutan bayangan dan lukisan kau?... stop reckoning everything.. that is what i did... aku bekerja keras untuk mejadi hati yang keras.. itu lebih merisaukan mereka-merka yang terlibat mungkin...

aku mencari alasan untuk setiap hal dalam hidup... kenapa alasan??... kenapa bukan kau berjanji??.... manusia akan cuba buat perjanjian bila beliau rasa beliau hebat.. maka aku tak mahu wujud perasaan hebat untuk berjanji.. itu lebih menyifatkan seorang penipu... kenapa mahu berjanji pada benda yang kau tak pasti... mencari alasan itu sekurang-kurangnya tidak mendorong kau akan jadi penipu di masa akan datang... break the promise or just let them go without promising your stupid promises... hmm.. i refuse to lay pretty compassion on others... why do people aware on something that they have not to??... bila kau menjadi beria-ria untuk aware, it could able to ruin all yours... as easy as care of yourself or else just willing to say aku-sanggup-jadi-hilang-kewarasan-sebab-aku-konon-bagaikan-sangat-ambil-peduli-pada-manusia-lain... ini gelabah.. cuba lah berubah... cari alasan dan jangan too obvious..

my beloved kapok able to let me being out of feeling pressed.. i've planned a lot of things.. by thinking of when to begin each part of them , so i'd rather to feed my mind with other sort of creepy things... ini juga sejenis kehilangan... menghilangkan perkara yang dirancang dengan perkara yang baru difikir sebab terlalu mengkaji apa sebenarnya yang dikejarkan di depan mata sendiri... i'm such a talker and writer in my very own bajusemalam... kadangkala aku pencerita terbaik dan kadangkala aku tidak... ini juga mungkin sejenis kehilangan konsistensi dalam penulisan... emak selalu kata aku kadangkala susah nak berubah... sebenarnya aku mudah berubah dan buat sedikit sebanyak kehilangan dalam hidup aku sendiri... emak kena tukar statement beliau... hmmm...


Soalan: Mengapa kau rasa hilang diri itu boleh meyakinkan diri yang kau akan sepenuhnya sihat?
Jawapan: Kerana yakin boleh itu adalah fikiran yang menyihatkan.
Komen: Jawapan begitu gampang dan soalan tiada motif.

torn

i took a long time of gap to write more often in this hell bajusemalam.. kadang-kadang bila kau rasa kau okay atau tidak sekalipun, kau akan mula tiada konsistensi dalam perkara rutin.. bila rutin menjadi tidak rutin, dan kau mula sedar sebenarnya hal yang tidak penting tidak sepatutnya diambil kisah sampai buat kau rasa tidak okay.. aku mula rasa hidup bagai tiada kejujuran dan keikhlasan.. susahnya manusia mahu beri aku sedikit penghargaan..





why people say that we have to live life to the fullest? why do we need to reach that fullest?

no turning back

as what really called usual, i'll be at KLIA regularly.. i mean not me... actually a quite number of times that i need to be a driver of abangah... sending and fetching him for once in two weeks... setiap kali nak hantar dia, aku akan kata, "adik taknak borak ngan awak arini, adik nak tido".. he gives a cynical giggle.. he knows how i'm going to talk too much than himself... yes i am, i would end up the distance from home to klia without sleeping... blurrppp.... owh ok..

just now, once i reached at the tol station, i was in a long line.. as usual, pagi dan mahu pergi kerja matter.. i was accidentally being on the road in that morning hour.. ok so i've throughout the jammed without complaining at least.. suddenly there were a row of police bikes gave a signal that seems like eh-tolong-berhenti-kereta-kau-sebab-ada-orang-kaya-nak-lalu-tol-ni... i was like what the fuck.. u crossed my lane just that way... exactly they crossed just ahead the car i drove... i was thinking, kau ni sapa lah agaknya.. then it was my turn to pay the tol ticket.. aku saja je nk tanya kat pekerja tol sapa org VVIP tu.. note that there have two V.. ok... so they are really very-very-important-person... oh ain please, i've already noted that.. baek-baek... then the girl answered, maybe kind of orang kerajaan dan mahu ke mahkamah or so on.. maybe she was started sick to answer me again when aku begitu curious eh sapa bayar tol dia... jawapannya adalah kerajaan... at this point, aku pula rasa sick.. hmmm... patut abah bising bila duit epf kena potong tinggi-tinggi... oh i am not a politic talker... sampai di sini dan itu sahaja...

i just turned to a new mode... being ridiculous and changes are as simple as just let go everything that you really want to against on.. bila kau rasa nak sangat, sebenarnya kau sakit... jadi stop being sakit... hmm... have you ever try to reduce your unhealthy feeling... a feeling that somewhat of paranoid... yeah you can... tiba-tiba teringat lagu Rock DJ by Robbie Williams sebab ada lyric dia "yeah you can".... haha... kas pernah cakap setuju dengan kata-kata aku kat entry bernama glum di mana aku cakap manusia menjadi penceria terbaik bila beliau tidak mampu untuk senyum kadangkala...

cikgu boleh lari dari orang lain tapi jangan lari dari saya....

loceng-bodoh

i have a new sort of shit thing in my mind.. i wish to own a cute muscle.. how ambitious it sounds.. haha.. girl with the muscle?? that's handsome.. so here the new stuff that i might feel often to use instead of keep giving a strum in my whole day.. owh ok.. kapok is already been touched.. that's it.. that's also a kind of handsome.. everything tends to be sangat bagus atau berbesar hati.. jadi aku akan senyum... ngee.. i just started to pull up this dumbbell(loceng-bodoh) in this morning.. hope there has a consistency in doing this kind of hell exercise.. haha.. every part of bump should be gone.. that's a promise.. hmm... ok...

the other pic is just a new me.. i just cut my hair.. still with a feeling i-love-to-cut-my-hair-when-i-am-in-the-exam-week... seeing me with this new look is ain't different at all.. because i still own same look like before.. aku tahu semua tu.. but seriously my previous hair was dumb.. kembang bagai basikal.. why did i choose basikal instead of kereta dan lain-lain??... i'll put this as an unanswered question.. ok.. that's it...

yesterday mom asked me a few things.. yeah.. sort it out as wise as you could.. yes, the members of my very own house are wiser than me... i will.. tiba-tiba aku rasa dah lama tak jumpa dzulhasli... aku rindu beliau sungguh... hmmm... i hate when i can't be able to see kasabian in this coming saturday.. mendukacitakan... maybe i should busying my own self with fasting.. owh ok.. fasting is so please... baek-baek...




a few things that i'm glad while facing the peperiksaan:

1- tiada pemanduan kereta yang setan.
2- tiada perebutan takhta siapakah tidur paling lama.
3- tiada hiburan.
4- tiada konsep membuang duit.
5- aku akan kurus.. ini paling glad!!

........aku bagus.......

nerve

i've supposed to post this entry on last saturday.. but who cares?? here it is and really come clean!!!

i was pretty silent while struggling myself with the exam in few days back.. not much.. but as i able to lay a great strength onto myself, then i've supposed to conclude as "Yes, I am studying and not staring surround anymore"... indeed, the adieu of midterm is called done.. completely... i went to some place with them(as usual, persons at my home).. mom is always being a matter.. sis would keep calming myself and say, "dun think too much, u are alright, that's it"... owh ok.. i would make everything as substitution of vent out and say out.. i'd rather to do so when i really care on everything.. i'm out of sane when they believe that my decision is quite relevant.. owh.. please make sense that myself still none of it.. hmm...

.........i rock my world............

i learn

mereka fikir itu semua senang.. tapi aku tak fikir mana senang dan susah sekalipun... semua perlu rasa susah kadangkala.. pernah tak bila kau rasa nak sangat bermimpi, dan orang yang paling kau harapkan di tepi katil kau bila kau bangun tidur adalah seorang emak... aku semakin belajar menghargai orang yang dipanggil emak dan abah...

bila kau rasa macam nak jatuh sangat, sebenarnya kau masih stabil... manusia jadi hilang pertimbangan bila mereka sendiri membawa diri ke arah yang bodoh dan kurang waras... aku semakin belajar untuk jadi mampu dan kuat...

jangan rasa bila dugaan yang kau lalui sekarang begitu besar berbanding orang lain.. tuhan beri kau dugaan pasal Dia tahu kemampuan kau... bila kau kata kau tak mampu, sebenarnya hati kau tak pernah menipu... mulut adalah pendusta terhebat bila ego kau tidak terkawal..

perasan tak manusia begitu cengeng dalam soal hidup... kenapa meremehkan pada sesuatu yang kau betul-betul boleh let go walhal kau tahu kau tak heran bila benda tu gone sekalipun... aku semakin belajar baiknya menghargai daripada kau harap sangat rasa dihargai... penghargaan itu patut diberi dan bukan diharap...

sedar tak kita hidup untuk jadi hati yang baik??